


One Too Many

by Archaeodigit_dima



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy, The Last Jedi
Genre: BB8 is worried, Leia comforts and listens to him, Leia is his mom, Poe is having a break down
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-09
Updated: 2018-01-09
Packaged: 2019-03-02 15:25:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13321059
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Archaeodigit_dima/pseuds/Archaeodigit_dima
Summary: Poe isn't dealing well with all that happened in The Last Jedi. He hates himself for everything and isn't thinking straight.Comfort and sadness in this fic.





	One Too Many

I was highly confused by Leia’s actions over the past few weeks She had shut me out, keeping me from resistance plans; giving me only tidbits of what a mission would entail. I kept having to improvise half of the missions I went on. Then she was almost killed. It felt like I was losing my mom all over again. Worse though bas I knew she was disappointed in me and we had just fought. Then Vice Admiral Holdo took over for Leia. I wanted to help save my family, the resistance but I was just reminded of my failures and kicked to the side. I know now that there was a plan, but it hurt that I knew nothing of it. If I had known, maybe I could have saved more lives. I might not have lost so many with the plan that Rose, Finn and I had come up with not knowing that there was already a scheme to save the Rebellion.  
Now, I just sat in an escape pod of the millennium falcon. It was the only private spot on the whole ship. The only place I could really be alone.  
I had fucked up royally. People were dead because of my actions. I kept wondering if I had known about Holdo’s plan would I have still been a risk taker? Would I have followed orders? Could I have saved more of the rebellion fighter? Saved more of my friends? I would never know now.  
Maybe the rebellion would be safer without me. There were other great pilots they could take the lead. They would be better leaders than myself; not getting as many people killed.  
I could feel the tears I had kept hidden for the past two days on this small ship start to fall down my face. I couldn’t keep them at bay any longer. I could feel everyone’s glares, in every room I had been in. The whispers, the shuffling away.  
“Look it is the mutineer.”  
“Stay away from him. He got the entire bomber fleet killed.”  
“General Organa doesn’t even trust him.”  
“He hasn’t been the same since Kylo Ren got to him.”  
Each sentence drilled deeper into me pounding down my knowledge of how I had messed up. I couldn’t deal with it for much longer. Anytime I found myself in a room with Leia I quickly left; I had disappointed her so much that she had to stun me to reign me in. I couldn’t face her. Rose, any time I saw her lying sick in bed still unconscious I wondered if I could have saved her from this. Maybe if I hadn’t been here, no one would have gone after that dreadnaught and her sister, Paige, would still be alive.  
Finn was enamoured with Rey, so much so that I had barely seen him since our failed attempt at saving the Rebellion from the star ship that was tracking us through light speed. I wanted to apologize to him but I couldn’t get him alone. Maybe he didn’t want to even be seen with me; not wanting to be seen as a part of the failure that nearly killed us all.  
“Beep boop beep?” Poe? You here? Poe okay? I heard from just outside the pod.  
“It’s okay BB, I am fine,” I said back to her, knowing that she probably wouldn’t believe me.  
“Boop boop,” Life signs say different.  
“I am just tired,” I responded trying to alay her worry.  
“Beeeeeep!” I don’t believe you Poe! BB8 yelled as she hurried from the room, speeding off somewhere.  
I sighed knowing that I was worrying my little droid, but I didn’t want to. Just couldn’t pretend any longer. I wasn’t okay. The longer I stayed in this escape pod the more I thought about taking the escape pod and leaving the resistance. Maybe without my reckless nature there wouldn’t be any more casualties of our already small rebellion. We had lost too many. I had created too many of the situations that had gotten them killed.  
I had lost track of time when I was brought out of my thoughts by someone speaking.  
“Poe?” Called Leia softly. I could hear the sound of BB8 behind her.  
“BB8 are you sure he is here?”  
“Beep beep boop,” Yes General he is in one of the escape pods.  
“Poe, I know you are here. Please come out you have BB8 and I worried,” Leia stated, in her General you better listen to me voice.  
I let out my breath that I had been holding, knowing better than to ignore Leia when she puts that voice on. I wiped at my face with my sleeve, trying to eliminate the evidence of my tears. I slid feet first out of the pod, it wasn’t a graceful sight.  
“Now Captain Dameron -” Leia began sounding rather put out, then stopped abruptly. “Ah Mijo.”  
Leia’s facial expression soften and she walked over to me, placing a hand on my face.  
“BB8 was worried and wouldn’t rest until I came over here and now I know why,” she said. “Poe why have you been crying?”  
“General, I am sorry about BB8 harassing you I am fine,” I stated not quite looking at her.  
“Poe Kes Dameron, do not try to get out of this discussion. I know when you are lying,” Leia said with such force that I felt like running back into the escape pod. Although I was pretty sure she could use the force to keep me from doing that if she wanted to. I didn’t really have a choice now but to tell her what she wanted to know. Taking a deep breath I attempted to tell her what was wrong.  
“I messed up too many times lately. All the people who were killed on that bombing raid, including Rose’s sister, Paige, they were my fault. If I had l-listened to y-ou,” I broken off into a fresh wave of tears.  
BB8 rolled forwarded, gently touching my leg. Normally I would have laughed at that but not right now. Leia moved forward, gently putting a hand on my shoulder.  
“Poe come sit with me,” She gestured to a bunch of boxes that were stacked in the corner which she repurposed as a seat.  
I hesitantly followed and sat down next to her, I kept my gaze away from her. I wasn’t sobbing at this point but a few tears still fell down.  
“Poe listen to me,” Leia began. “When we are leaders we make choices and they have consequences for us and for those in our command. Sometimes, despite our best intentions things go wrong and people get hurt, sometimes they die. Yes that is on use, we have to deal with it.”  
“I-I, there have been t-to-o many,” the tears came again, I put my head in my hands try to hide.  
I felt a hand on my far shoulder and then a gentle pull. Leia gently rubbed my shoulder trying calm me while still letting me cry.  
“It can be overwhelming; all the pain and responsibility that is upon us. There have been many nights were I too have broken down and cried at the destruction that this war has brought.”  
There was pain evident in her voice, I knew she was speaking from her heart. She let me cry for a while longer, until my sobs had died away. She brought her hand to my head and gently patted my hair.  
“Poe?” Leia spoke into the silence. “Mirame Poe.”  
Lei spoke in my native language. She had picked up a good grasp of it over the years. She tended to only use it when she didn’t want everyone to know what she was saying - usually it involved questioning the parentage of a few rather rude generals. But now she was using it to calm me down, so I knew she was worried. I looked up barely meeting her gaze.  
“Poe, I have heard things from the crew as to what happened when I was unconscious. Do you think that you have failed me and I am angry with you?” I couldn’t help the side smirk that came to my face. That was the general that I knew, no side stepping around the point, just straight to it.  
“Well I did, I ruined your plan. Finn, Rose and I created a new one that nearly got them killed,” I muttered finally divulging what I had been stewing on. “The crew sees me as a mutineer, which I was. Hell you stunned me yourself.”  
“That I did, not because you had failed me. It was just the quickest way to get you off the ship. Explaining to you the plan just wasn’t going to work with the time restraint upon us.”  
I stared at her in disbelief at what she was saying.  
“Don’t look at me like that,” she stated lightly tapping me on my arm. “You know where you are worked up it is hard to settle you down. It has even worn off on BB8, she tends to overreact and hold grudges. Which if I remember correctly she was never programmed to do. The only one who seems to be able to pull you out of your hyperfocus moments is Finn and he wasn’t available at that moment.”  
I sighed, nodded and blushed at her comment about Finn. She was right on all counts, even if some of those I would rather not admit to. BB8 beep happily at her comment about her attitude. I was going to have to work on that one.  
“Although what I don’t understand is why you formulated another plan in the first place and took over the ship?” Leia continued. “When we spoke on the transport you acted as if you knew nothing of our plan.”  
“I didn’t,” I responded frankly.  
Leia took a deep breath, one that she did when she was thinking over a problem, a new obstacle that she hadn’t anticipated.  
“What’s wrong?” I asked not sure if I really wanted to know.  
“Nothing Poe,” Leia replied and then looked at me with a calm expression. “You did what you thought was right with the information you had been given. You tried to save those you cared about; the whole resistance. Even when the chips were stacked against you, you fought. That is the Poe Dameron I remember, one who keeps fighting no matter the odds. Fighting to protect others.”  
I smiled at what she was saying. I took comfort in the fact that she knew why I was fighting, why I was part of the resistance. Leia knew where I was coming from. Now I needed to keep that in mind, remember those who I was here for, the reasons I joined. My parents fought in the original rebellion to protect the future for me and all their friends. Now I fight in the resistance, here to stand up for peace and freedom. I get in my x-wing to protect those I care about; Leia, Finn, Rose, Kaydei, and everyone else in the resistance. That is what I had to hold onto as I moved forward. Remembering those who we lost in the fight, all those one too manys. Their memories needed to spur me on not to make the same mistakes, but also to make sure that their deaths didn’t happen in vain but for a cause that we won.  
We sat there for a few more minutes. Leia continued to hold me close to her in a side hug.  
“I think it is time that we return to the rest of the ship before they send a search party,” Leia commented.  
“Weeoo,” BB8 said in agreement.  
Leia got up, leaning on me just a bit. It reminded me how close I was to losing her just a few days before.  
“I rather not have Chewy scaring the crew with his worry,” Leia commented a sly grin. “You coming Commander Poe?”  
I beamed like a fool when she changed my rank back to where it had been before all the incidents had occurred. I sat there for a moment stun.  
“If you keeping sitting there looking like an idiot you can stay a Captain,” Leia said jokingly.  
“Coming General Organa,” I said jumping up.  
“Good now let’s go check on Finn and Chewy. Hopefully Chewy hasn’t scared Finn into hiding yet again the big fuzz ball.”


End file.
